Again

I saw you and I cried.

I saw you again and i cried again.

a letter i gave my Tatay the day after my 25th birthday

Dear Tatay,

How I love hearing the story of Nanay's laboring on October 1985. It was past her due week but because you were still out of town for work, the baby inside her tummy knew it was still not time. I think it is a very special event because I really waited for you. thank God there was no advice for cesarean because this storyis just lovely!

I love waiting for my Tatay. It is very rewarding to meet you by the door and seeyou wear your big smile. You may be silent in a whole lot of time but when your obliging kisses and embraces, when I ask them, speaks a lot. Tatay, your love as a father is very warm and it just seeps so deep to my soul that I do not forget it. A person needs 8 hugs a day to be healthy. And your warmth keeps me healthy.

I love being adored by my Tatay.

You have provided us so well and so lavishly, Tay. You have trained us when we were young. Thank you for allowing us to experience a life of a starting farmer. Planting of durian, mamu-bo sa tanom (and watering the plants). Lisod (Hard), but it was a good memory of our childhood.

Thank you for offering your changed life to God. For teaching me about Catholic Christianity. For bringing me with you, for checking up if I listened to the priest's sermon.

Thank you for loving our beloved Nanay. For changing her and for taking care of her. For committing to make your marriage healthy. Thank you for taking care of my Ate and my Kuya. You have few words but you have great, great love.

Tatay, I know I disappoint you in some of my decisions and actions of irresposibility and immaturity. There are things that I have not become and I am not. It does hurt me deep to disappoint you, not just because I want to please you or that I am fishing for your compliment, but because I know how much you labor for us. I am sorry Tay. I apologize for some irrational decisions. But I will try my best to take responsibility for them.

Thank you for respecting and understanding me, Tay. You teach us responsibility and reality. And in facing them, I thank God because He has given me confidence on your great love for me.

Tay, I have always seen wisdom in you. I am so blessed to have you as my role model. These years, I know how much you value your health and well-being. We respect that so much and we look forward for your happier years. As Kuya said "You have provided us more than enough, and in fact, you have provided for us so lavishly." I can't be more thankful.

Thank you for loving us through your example and the life you live, Tay.

My birthday - October 8 - is a celebration of this great life I am given. Of how blessed I am to have You and Nanay as my parents. I owe my life, my happiness and the love I am able to give from You and from Nanay.

Thank you so much for taking good care of me and for loving me.

:) krishna mie '10

P.S.

I am so excited of seeing you and Nanay as grandparents. I know it will give a new joy.

And don't you think Nanay has given me such a wonderful and beautiful name! I just love it

********************************

the day after i gave this letter my tatay asked me what i meant when i said he changed my nanay. I said i saw his efforts in making their marriage work, and my nanay has been smiling lately... my tatay said: "It was not me who changed your Nanay. ever since i met her she was always very smiling. it was her who changed me"

I am sharing this letter because i want to honor my parents, and honor my communities who has taught me well in honoring :D

it is Christ the King celebration and we had a partners in mission activity this morning with CYA and HTC. I love seeing the fathers and the mothers in HTC with their kids. there is something about a child's innocence and total dependence on parents. it is a very powerful force that pulls out the sense of responsibility among parents. seeing their children, they can't help but try to become better individuals. 

when i saw the parents at htc, i can't help but imagine all that they've been through and going through: to dream for their children and to make those dreams happen.

this afternoon, i can't help staring at my father. the lines on his face, the prominence of white hairs. he has sacrificed a lot of us. i could not help thanking him for taking care of us.

I can't help also but be thankful for being part of CYA and Lingkod. our way of life has taught me so much on prioritizing relationships than service! we are demanded of a lot from service, so you could just imagine, how much higher relationship is valued. ofcourse the high demand in service, has been fun to do, though at times challenging. i learned how to adjust with people, i learned that if a person is going through something, i would have to know where s/he is coming from. i learned to allow my friends help me in changing and improving my life. i had my share of compromise and rejection. but i thank God for experience has taught me to take initiative for a relationship to work. i need not wait on the other. and that relationship is such a very worthy investment.

when i was younger, i had my share of "my parents do not even know who i am," "they don't even try to see me," "do they even know what i am going through?" but when i was given responsibility to take care of of action groups, where my members would look up to me, i learned how to walk an extra mile for them, i needed to know them personally, i needed to spend time with them and encourage and create an atmosphere of acceptance for them. in a lot of times i was not successful.

i thank God for this opportunity of taking care of people, because by this, i was able to appreciate how much my parents were giving me. all the while i thought they did not see me, but as i know it is not as easy to take care of people, i was able to see how much my parents prepared for me. how much of their lives has changed, how much they have sacrificed for me.

i could not be thankful enough for belonging in CYA, in Lingkod, and in HTC and Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon (by virtue of their support and example that i look up to).

service has revealed to me what i can give and what my capacities are. it taught me how to prioritize that i can actually give time. i think more importantly, i learned that if i can give so much in the community, then i could also give a lot in our family relationships. 

the practice of honoring in the community has allowed me to reach far on how i express love and gratitude to my family.

to my friends reading, i would like to encourage us all not wait for struggling times or even death before we express love and gratitude. express them while our loved ones are well.

do a very big favor to your family members in a very unspecial day when they least expect it. and when your parents would tell you "why are you good all of a sudden? do you want any favors?" grab the opportunity to tell them "oh nothing, i just want to make sure you know that i love you"

this evening, i just gave my mum a 2 hour massage. it was relaxing when she talked, or while i sing himig heswita songs. before that, i also spent a quiet time with my tatay while he stayed in our dark veranda, staring in space. when i left, i told him how thankful i was for how he cares for us. i wanted to make sure they know i love them.

it took me years of risking possibilities of rejection, and being paranoid of called "oa" or cheezy, before i got comfortable of how i express this way. but it was worth the hundred times of risks :D 

to my bros and sis in CYA and Lingkod, thank you because life with you has taught me much about  love and service in their various forms.

to my bros and sis in HTC, since the time i had my first PIM activity in 2003, i have always felt security and assurance with your presence.

God reigns on earth, for Jesus has been with us indelibly!

Happy Christ the King!! 

I - too fragile

To let you go,
   for I - too fragile.
To hold you tight is to break me.
To watch you intently
   is to further take you
   away from my sight.
To face you is to hide
   behind my put-on smile.
To reach you, to talk to you.
I - too fragile.
To take a hold of you
   takes a need to let you go.

I once saw you smile,
    sweet and placid.
From a radical soul whose soul
    reaches the lost and the lowly,
    I thought:
Was I not lucky?
Oh, to see that smile!

Ikaw Manong,

Ang tingin mong parang

   sa narurupok na kahoy.

Inaanay.

Para bagang nabasang kahoy

   na walang buhay.

Unti-unting kinakain ng sarili

   nitong nabubulok na kamatayan.

O, Ikaw manong

   na di man lamang makatitig.

Ni walang lakas ang mga mata mong

   hamunin akong matignan ka.

Ang matignan ka.

Ikaw. At ang naging ikaw.

Ang kung sino ka dati.

Manong, ikaw -

   na hindi man lamang magawang matignan

   kung sino ka.

Manong, ikaw -

   ang nawawala mong lakas

   upang itaas pa ang iyong paningin.

   - sa pangarap

   - sa hinaharap…

Nakikita kita

**painting "Dugos Man" credits to Mr.Errol Balcos 

I’m Almost 10 Years Old in the Community

One time, one of my closest brothers in CYA – Irvin, remarked “I wonder how it would feel if you are already in your twentieth or tenth year in the community.” I smirked and tried to imagine. He then turned to me and asked “Ikaw te, how many years are you now in the community?” I literally counted with my fingers… one, two… I then looked at him with an amused shock “Whoa, I’ll be turning 10!”

And so how does it feel? It feels good! It feels great! You can’t help but thank God for allowing you to belong to a group of people who are helping each other in service and in building one’s character.

For the past years, I have learned that nobody truly is perfect in the community. Our humanity is tested by fire, by the burdens of choosing to love and to serve. One time I had a conversation with another brother from Lingkod– Christian, and I got to realize that what makes genuine human love admirable is that it would never be unconditional because that is an innate human limitation. But the fact that others would still choose to love, to forgive, to serve despite being hurt, despite being tired, despite the feeling of routine – the fact that others would choose to go beyond their limitation is truly worth honoring.

Christ’s Youth In Action. Kay Kristo Buong Buhay Habambuhay.

I joined Christ’s Youth in Action when I was in second year. I was invited when I was praying at the chapel of Ateneo de Davao. Yes, I was a product of Random Evangelization – a challenging activity where members would talk to a stranger about Jesus and invite them to a community.

These are some of the things I valued in Christ’s Youth in Action:

1. CYA is finding God. The same as with many religious groups, we were always encouraged to strengthen our relationship with God through our regular prayer and scripture reading.
2.  CYA is not just about conducting activities, CYA is about a way of life. What mattered more was character. We were never a spotless lamb. And I truly appreciate when I was corrected for my mistakes and encouraged for building my character.
3. CYA is more than the success of activities, we were more about relationship. It was often said that relationship comes first before activities. For what significance would a success of an activity if it were at the expense of friendships?
4. CYA is a family. We had ates and kuyas. We eventually became ates and kuyas. And for a teenager, it gave a sense of belongingness. I got to appreciate my parents and siblings more because of the joy I experienced with the quality relationships in CYA.
5. CYA is about accountability. We belonged in an Action Group – a small group of brothers or a group of sisters – who would meet regularly to update each other and support each other. This is where I get to fill my love tank. There was a sense of being guided for my different concerns. There a sense of being accompanied in your faith journey. We were always told that we were taken cared because the community was accountable for us, but at the same time we were also accountable to the community in the actions and decisions that we made. We must also strive to serve as good examples to the younger brothers and sisters whom we will eventually be serving.
6. CYA is not just about liking but an inclusive loving. We were always reminded that Jesus taught his disciples to love one another, not simply liking one another. Loving meant giving people a chance even if you don’t like or comfortable with them at first. Liking is more convenient, loving requires patience and sacrifice. In fact, there were times when I got so hurt from some of my friends in the community and even times when I hurt them. But there were always chances of forgiveness and moving on. Yes, it did not come easy and did not come quick, but because of the confidence on each other and the respect that we had for each other, it was easier to be expectant that we had transcended beyond the hurts.

I got to serve as staff in CYA right after my college years. Those were in fact some of my best years. I especially enjoyed walking from Ateneo to UIC (where I was assigned) in order to save so that I could treat the younger brothers and sisters. Had I been given a chance to serve full time, I would have grabbed it. In fact I yearned for it! But perhaps God had another plan for me, He used the influence of my work as a college teacher for this call of evangelization.

I have returned back serving as staff in CYA, one thing that enkindles my desire for this service is how the way of life has kept alive new generation of the youth. It’s like paying forward and giving rewards to the previous brothers and sisters who have served me well!

Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon. Christifying the Workplace.

Two years after my graduation, I joined the Partner in Mission of CYA for single professionals – Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon. And this is still the community I am currently affiliated with.

Some particular learning I had with Lingkod:

1.       Lingkod taught me to have more fun in life. It’s quite amusing looking back – but I was rather very serious and idealistic when I was in CYA. But having a shot with another set of people to journey in my community life, I learned to enjoy more light moments of service. I especially loved going home with a group “Southborders” with our seeeeeerious jokes. We could go on linking one wacky story to another and conversing about it seriously.

2.       Lingkod squeezed out more talent juices from me. I had always considered myself a “tone deaf.” But who would have thought I’d be given a solo part to sing “Colors of the Wind.” In Lingkod, I became Pocahontas, Maja Salvador, Betty La Fea, an Angel, a voice-over, and now- Mother Mary. I am also

3.       Lingkod has taught me more about life order. When I was still a starting professional, I looked up to the brothers and sisters who were very successful in their field. I realized that passion may matter in your work, but so is discipline and priority management. I am still challenged in many areas in my work and I feel lucky to have friends to model to me great characters of being a professional.

4.       finally taking the challenge to serve in the music ministry learning the strums of guitar.

5.       Lingkod taught me more about faith journey. When I started in Lingkod, we were only 2 CYAers in our batch. This was a bit difficult because I belonged in support groups which compose of members who were new in the “community life.” I felt like I was in a different journey. But I learned community is not the only place where we experience our faith journey. All of us have a different experience of God. God meets us in unique ways. God may use others, miracles, failures, and situations to reveal Himself to us.

6.       Lingkod taught me to give transitions a chance. One very important lesson I learned in Lingkod is giving  the changes in our lives a chance. My first two years of adjustment in Lingkod was rather difficult. Again when I started in Lingkod, I only had a few CYA’er batchmate. Unlike the new Lingkod members who were starting to absorb and learn the culture of the community, we had to unlearn and relearn the culture of the community of professionals. But in the same way that we were taught in CYA not to settle with what’s comfortable – to love and not just to like – the new culture gave a promise of growth. And truly, it was worth it!

Looking Forward to Holy Trinity Community (HTC)

The Holy Trinity Community is another partner in mission of Lingkod. This is a rather inter-generational community composed of families and singles. But unlike CYA and Lingkod being movements – offering trainings and formations for colleges and single, young professionals; HTC covers a rather life-long formation and commitment.

Partners-in-Mission Activities.

I had my first encounter with the various members of HTC during my first year in CYA during Partners-in-Mission Activities. The Partners-in-Mission (CYA, Lingkod, HTC and Emmaus Way) meet together thrice a year – Feast of Christ the King Celebration, Easter Sunday Celebration, and Penitential Rites. When I first attended one of these gatherings, I did not have much time mingling and truly knowing the brothers and sisters at that time. In fact, I felt rather awkward seeing new faces. But there was something about families committing to a community life that has enticed me so much. Ever since, I was always looking forward to Partners-in-Mission Activities. It gave me a sense of direction of the kind of future I wanted to have, even of the kind of community service I would like to take. I loved the idea that the radical way of life I experienced in CYA did not only last until my college years. Knowing about Lingkod promised me professional growth and models of successful professionals that I wanted to become. Learning about HTC gave a hope that families serving together is very much possible – in fact very real!

And so with an invitation of experiencing this kind of formation, the value of giving transitions a chance that I learned in Lingkod, I am quite excited of what lies ahead in my faith journey in the community.

So, how does it feel again being almost 10 years old in the community?

I feel so blessed to belong to a group of people who are not perfect but are trying to live in reliance to  Perfect God.

To God be the Glory!

A Tale of Two Students

One of the lessons I learned from the movie, “Emperor’s Club,” was that a lot of great men have existed in history but only a few names get to be written and be known for generations to come. What makes them stand out? Contribution! What would great success be if it does not have any contribution to humanity?

I would like to share two of the stories of my students who have made a very big impact in my life, not just as a teacher – but as a person. An impact deserving to be known for generations to come.

The first student is Carlene. She was a silent girl and good-natured. She wasn’t exactly a stand out in the class because there were those who were more outspoken, but you will know her because she was a student who would really respect you.

In one of the sessions in their class, we were talking about relationships at home. It started as a fun topic as many of the students aired out their sentiments about how strict their parents were, how much they are still being nagged even if they are living far away from their parents already. There were also stories which brought laughter when a student was reprimanded by her mother when she wore shorts even if she was going to the beach. She thought: what was I to wear, pajama? Almost everybody could relate to each other’s story, but all of a sudden, Carlene cried. When they noticed, everybody fell silent. This girl whom I did not exceptionally notice before could silence a crowd. The other students knew the story. When I asked Carlene about the tears, I learned that her mother already died. Deep inside me, I felt knocked out and blanched. And I could never forget the words she said that until now has deeply made a mark in me: “If they only know how it is not to have your mother. I would rather have my mother nagging me every day, if it would mean having her in my life again.” She was choked in tears and opted to just keep silent as she almost always did. I thanked her for what she shared and everybody inside the room learned something very valuable that day. For my part, I felt ashamed for how little importance I seem to be giving to my parents. Later that afternoon, I told my mother what happened and asked her if I could kiss and hug her.

Carlene has taught me how to value my parents. She has taught me how to be expressive and how to maximize every opportunity to let my parents know how I care for them. It has also taught me to give my parents the opportunity to know and love me.

Another student that I could never forget was rather exemplary in school. She was intelligent, sweet, friendly and a born leader. But I have encountered many similar successful students who have come and go; but she – she stood out with the strength of her character.

Her name was Joanna. She belonged to one of my favorite classes. She and her classmates were very participative in class. When given a reflection question, they hit the profound thoughts. They were sweet, fun, and light to handle. And yet there was this one trying time in class. Joanna became a whistle blower and told one of her teachers about a rampant copying happening in their class. She did not mention names. She asked the teacher if she could at least let them have a change of seating arrangement. That was all she asked. For her, it seemed unfair for those who studied and dangerous for those who cheated.

If you were in the situation, would you dare correct your classmates? Could you stand their piercing comments of being a kill joy?

She did. And that was exemplary. But what also struck me was that none of her classmates actually stood up for the right thing. In a social networking site, they gave her angry comments and blaming words. From one comment of a student, came another affirmation, another finger pointing at her. It has become a thread which nobody – nobody – ever dared stop. Nobody stood up for these students who gave me high hopes of integrity, honesty, and of good reflections. I realized that words do not make character. Words are hollow if your integrity could not withstand a trying time. It was only when I interfered in the thread of fiery comments did one of them slowly hushed the others.

My student cried so much during that week of torture. And yet, I saw how much she has handled the situation with a mature attitude. She changed sections and went on her usual exemplary life. She made friends with her classmates who have apologized to her and have accepted her apology of the hurt she caused. She made new friends, became a very active student leader and even graduated with honors, when everybody was against her; she was able to rise stronger – in character and as a person.

These are just two of the students whose stories I may not get tired to tell. Yet there are also a lot more whom I have learned so much from – working students who got the biggest gratitude for life’s littlest blessings, even if others more fortunate have disregarded the value of such blessings; students who have experienced hurts and unfair treatments in the past but have emerged more compassionate, more loving, wiser and stronger in character; and students who may be silent and unnoticeable but have genuine respect and sense of service to others.

Perhaps in years to come, I will forget a lot of details in my classes – names of students, those who got the highest grades, those who could articulate the concepts well. Years may pass and my memory may be clouded, but there will be stories which may never fade in my mind. It’s not just books and young students that I encounter in school, but lives lived. For in truth, what I learn most from my students are their strength in character molded by trying times – their contribution that I may not tire sharing for generations to come.

Always My Favorite Season!

Advent is one of the most skipped event of the year. In the Philippines, as early as the first day of September, everybody would outdo each other in being the first to greet Merry Christmas. The lights and glitters, the brimming greens and reds pulls you fast forward to the 25th of December!

And what about Advent? In this fast-pace, exciting filled time, this "waiting" time is deemed as boring.

But Advent for me is the most exciting season of the year.  In fact, the "waiting" time is so inviting, I always get giddy at the coming of the first week of December.

One December 25th in my high school years, when all the fiery sounds of the firecrackers were slowly being drowned by the restful silence,  I went to my room and prayed. It dawned on me that the first Christmas was in fact a silent, boring, bland, probably tiresome night (from the busy Census). A modern Christmas is very different from that "Silent Night." It was not special at all. It was important only for a few.

I thought of how Christmas has been too commercialized in our time. There was nothing wrong with the festive atmosphere, but there is the danger of pulling us away from the highlight of the celebration. Perhaps that was why God's genuine love clothe in simplicity for us to be truly focused on what matters most.

So when I learned that Advent is the time to wait and to prepare for Christmas, I thought that was a very important time to make oneself ready for Christmas. The waiting time did not appear too long and boring. It appealed to me as a chance to participate in meeting the birth of Christ with meaning.

Just in case we are still asking if we can be a worthwhile gift for Jesus on His birthday, well we have Advent to prepare for that.

**by the way, the year after that one fateful Christmas eve, firecrackers were completely banned from Davao City. One of my major answered prayer! Finally, I get to enjoy what it means to *truly* experience a Silent Night, Holy Night - were all is calm ;D

A Teacher's Random Thoughts

I have students who have to work really hard for their education. we have evening classes that end up to 8:30 and 9:30 in the evening. After work, i can usually relax before going home. But some of my students would have to return back to their night shifts, which may end as early as 5:00 in the morning. Or while I worry about how to go about with lessons, my students worry about work concerns and academic pressure.

And yet, they are the students who seemed to see beyond superficiality of the lessons I have to offer. When I teach them, I know what I teach won't just fall to deaf ears. They thirst for knowledge, they thirst to understand and to learn. They are some of the most respectful and appreciative people I've met.

And sometimes it saddens me to have also encountered students who, even at the slightest disregard of their whims (not buying the latest edition of a tab, no internet connection, or chores given them), would hate their parents or even curse them- for very small matters. I realized that if leisure and luxury are given to you real easy, without the responsibility being inculcated, you could just easily disregard gratitude.

And sometimes it saddens me when I find myself grumbling for the little discomforts in my life-how easily i seem to forget how blessed I am.

Whenever I see my students, even I would remind myself how lucky I am to have my parents, to have my education easier, for what i have, for where I am, for my job, everything - easier...

How blessed I am to have my students. They have taught me so much. I am such a lucky teacher to have crossed their path.

** this short article was also published in Lingkod Davao's website. 

see me, i tell myself. see me clearly and from afar. empathize with me, i tell myself. ground with me. live for me. choose for me. i tell myself. and i know it is God telling me.

I, A Traveler

I deem the further hike. I am a traveler. I stalk paths to implore meaning and reason in all these walks. no matter crooked, no matter narrow. amen.